Faith, Fun, Fashion, & Family

Faith, Fun, Fashion, & Family

Monday, December 9, 2013

Being Patience for His Gifts... my first Christmas as a young widow.

This will be our first Christmas without having Shannon here.
My husband, Shannon, passed away almost five months ago and I have been dreading Christmas since. He LOVED Christmas.

As a woman of faith, hope set in very soon after Shannon past. Instead of looking back, I looked forward. Although I was missing Shannon, I was looking forward to what God had planned for us. His plan was a total mystery to me. Why did He take Shannon? Why now? These were not questions rooted in doubt or hate, but mystery, curiosity and excitement. I could not even understand my own emotions because to this natural world, they seem odd. Even to me, a woman of faith, I questioned my grief. Was I doing it right? How was I excited so soon into it all? I still do not know, except for the fact that I have a close connection to Christ. When I found Shannon on the lawn where he passed, I felt a flood of peace run over me as I prayed in the Spirit over him. I think this was a gift God gave me. That is all I can give as an explanation. The world may think I am heartless to be so accepting & understanding soon after my husband passed, but it's MY grief. 
Through my experience, it's not lacking is more like 
After about a month, I began to be very anxious about my future. 
I wrote many blog post about this feeling and made many videos about it as well (see below). 
It was intense! I was a little worried about being alone FOREVER and having to be single. 
I was dependent on Shannon for SO MUCH! He spoiled me with love, encouragement, care, cleaning, cooking, bills, and lots more for us as a family. He worked hard and now it was me having to take all I knew (very little) and all my strength to work, raise my family, and keep up with all life requires. I was not used to being in charge!
I was lost... and incredibly lonely. 
I wanted to have something happen NOW! I knew I wanted to follow His plan, but kept asking Him to hurry it up! I "hear" God's voice often. This is because I open up to Him regularly, not matter what the circumstance or mood I may be in.  Like a loving father, When I would question His ways... He would give me a wise answer. He began showing me in my mind a caterpillar entering a pupa state and resting. I understood what He meant, tried to rest up and let Him transform me, but it was not fun... it was lonely. I wanted to move, have excitement, look forward to something, LIVE! I did not really like the idea of being a fat lazy caterpillar, so I kinda ignored this Heavenly vision. I still asked God, hoping for a different answer. The second time, He showed me a beautiful lit up Christmas tree in the corner of our living room with Shannon's green lounge chair stretched a distance away. The tree was fixed up just like Shannon would have set it up if he were here. God showed me the presents beneath and told me they were the gifts He promised me for our future. He let me know that he DID have big plans for me and my family. But, that for now, He wanted me to not worry about them and focus on the moment at hand. I could wonder and be excited, but not worry or try to impatiently plan my own gifts. He told me that even if I did open the gifts now, I would not be able to use, appreciate, or understand them. He has to teach me slowly all His ways before I can comprehend his plan and the gifts it contains. He told me that instead of sitting by the tree waiting, there was a way to make it "faster". He wanted me to sit with Him in Shannon's green chair and just look at the tree with Him. Just be still, peaceful, and talk to Him while we waited... together. I did like this idea better than the caterpillar... But still, my Heavenly Father was not giving His spoiled little girl the answer she wanted... 
I don't want to SIT STILL! I want it my way and fast! 
(Verruca Salt style)

So, I guess you could say I somewhat ventured on my own to find ways to "fill" my desires. Filling my life with things that made me temporarily happy and less lonely. Unknowingly, these things became my "God" and a lesser form of Idolatry. When I left His will. I left Him for a bit. I was not talking to Him anymore. Or, when I tried, it was just awkward and insincere. I had no peace. 
So, I prayed my pruning prayer... a prayer I often do when I am seriously seeking His will.
see here...
Video and Past Blog Post

When I stepped back pruned hearted and changed my perspective... I realized what I was doing, which didn't seem wrong really, was NOT what He wanted, I realized I was hurting him by pushing His plan away. He wanted to spend time with me, but like a child, I was refusing. Just like a kid, I wanted to do it all by myself. I thought I knew better than my father. His ideas take too long! But, a mansion is not built in one day. Nothing good comes fast! If I wanted a good home to live in forever that lasted, would I want it built quickly? What was I rushing, and what was I missing out on? Sometimes a person wants you to love them and spend time with them, but when you refuse them, it is hurtful. You quit asking cause you know you can't MAKE anyone love you. And if you ahve to ASK, the act of them "loving" you seems insincere. So, You have to just patiently sit and wait for them to realize your love. That was what God did.. 
He waited for me while I wouldn't wait for Him. 
I was so mad at myself for refusing His request to spend time with Him intimately. I then remembered when I was married to Shannon and I became recreated in Christ. In the beginning, I wanted so bad to just lock myself in my closet and worship Him in my Secret Place... but I wasn't sure if Shannon would understand. He would wonder where I was. I was not strong enough to explain to him the importance of being ALONE and STILL with Christ. 
At that time, my deepest desire was to just be alone the Father. 
I just wanted CHRIST ALONE!
Well, now, there was no other man here stopping me. 
God was my new husband, and he WANTED ME!
So, that was I waiting for!!!???
 Why was I fighting Him? Why was I running? 
It reminded me of this song by Tenth Avenue North called, By Your Side.
Watch and Listen here ...

In the same way that you can't MAKE somebody love you, 
You can't MAKE things happen!
If you try to force situations or relationships outside of His plan, you are messing with His masterpiece, conducting His symphony! We cannot teach the Teacher! We cannot out-master the Master.  It will just turn out bringing you shame, rejection, pain, regret, fear, grief, or total heartache. When you realize the mess you made all by yourself, God will lovingly clean it up for you
 all by Himself (it's called Grace)! And while your Savior is on His holy knees cleaning up your mess, sifting through the wrapping paper you just HAD TO tear off, He will not condemn you. That shame you hold... He will hear it like a messy bib and take the blame (it's called the Cross).
 "For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him." John 3:17
 But in the foolish process.. you lost precious time. In the end, it takes even LONGER than it should have for His plan to work out. We ruin HIS perfect plan by becoming impatient and stubborn. 
So, after I asked my Father and He gave me an answer... I did not listen the first or second time. 
So, now, after wasting some heartache and valuable time, I am here to listen and love.
I am going to rest, let Him lead while I sit in His Presence trusting His plan. 
I will wait for HIS gift. He knows me better than I know myself, He MADE ME! So, He knows what kind of gift I would love. 

James 1:17
"Every good and perfect gift comes from Him.
 Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning."

Matthew 7:11
Heavenly Father knows how to give good Gifts.
"If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!"

Jeremiah 29:11
He promises good things to come from His plan...
"For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Sheep are dumb, ok! They know nothing without guidance. There is no coincidence His word compares us to them. I do better in life when I humble myself and am totally reliant of my Shepard. You cannot hear Him if all you hear is YOURSELF!
John 10:27
 "My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me; and I give eternal life to them, and they will never perish; and no one will snatch them out of My hand.…"

only a fool follows foolishness. 
Make a mistake once, you are naive and normal. Do it again, you are a FOOL!
Psalm 85:8
"I listen carefully to what God the LORD is saying, for he speaks peace to his faithful people. But let them not return to their foolish ways."

May God Bless whoever reads this and may my words here bring comfort and knowledge for them to apply to their life and increase their closeness to the Father...
Tabitha, the Lost Sock


 Not wanting to stay still...

Wanting to see the Road all at once, but He shows us Brick by Brick

Past BlogPost of His Pupa Vision...

Past BlogPost of Weeding out my Selfish Desires from my heart...
those innocent "idols", forced relationships...

A lonely widow's video ramblings...
my way as an individual of faith dealing with my roller coaster of emotions

1 comment:

  1. I knew I wanted to follow His plan, but kept asking Him to hurry it up! ...