The LostSock Life: young

Showing posts with label young. Show all posts

Saturday, November 22, 2014

UnContainable Dreams

I had dreams in the past

That I held onto tight.

Like a child waits for a star

To shoot through the night,

I waited & wished for it all to come,

With my heart strongly beating like a drum.

Then life brought a change,

Surprising seasons age...

Now Dreams seem too far to touch,

And my wrinkled hands loosen their clutch.

My dreams I once tightly carried

Were bottled, corked & buried

Where the light no longer shines bright...

Forgotten and out of sight.

My hearts became jaded

As old dreams felt faded.

Fear forcefully pushed the dirt tightly on top,

To trap the dream's seed and produce no crop.

I thought it better to suffocate the seed,

That to live lonely with doubt & watch it bleed....

But the drumming dream beneath can't be hidden long,

With it's everlasting joyful song.

The dream's drum cracks the bottle that contains,

While the sun shines down and Heaven rains.

Preparing a surface for my dreams to be reborn,

Where roots grow up and soil is torn.

The star shoots down and pulls the stem from below,

Giving life to my dream and making it grow.

The star I once waited for like a child each night,

Is giving my dreams a new promise of light.

Art and Poetry by Tabitha Seaton

* A young widow's dreams can not stay bottled up.

Inspired by new love & hope.

Monday, December 9, 2013

Being Patience for His Gifts... my first Christmas as a young widow.

This will be our first Christmas without having Shannon here.

My husband, Shannon, passed away almost five months ago and I have been dreading Christmas since. He LOVED Christmas.

As a woman of faith, hope set in very soon after Shannon past. Instead of looking back, I looked forward. Although I was missing Shannon, I was looking forward to what God had planned for us. His plan was a total mystery to me. Why did He take Shannon? Why now? These were not questions rooted in doubt or hate, but mystery, curiosity and excitement. I could not even understand my own emotions because to this natural world, they seem odd. Even to me, a woman of faith, I questioned my grief. Was I doing it right? How was I excited so soon into it all? I still do not know, except for the fact that I have a close connection to Christ. When I found Shannon on the lawn where he passed, I felt a flood of peace run over me as I prayed in the Spirit over him. I think this was a gift God gave me. That is all I can give as an explanation. The world may think I am heartless to be so accepting & understanding soon after my husband passed, but it's MY grief.

Through my experience, it's not lacking heart...it is more like

GOD HAS MY HEART and HE GIVES ME PEACE.

After about a month, I began to be very anxious about my future.

I wrote many blog post about this feeling and made many videos about it as well (see below).

It was intense! I was a little worried about being alone FOREVER and having to be single.

I was dependent on Shannon for SO MUCH! He spoiled me with love, encouragement, care, cleaning, cooking, bills, and lots more for us as a family. He worked hard and now it was me having to take all I knew (very little) and all my strength to work, raise my family, and keep up with all life requires. I was not used to being in charge!

I was lost... and incredibly lonely.

I wanted to have something happen NOW! I knew I wanted to follow His plan, but kept asking Him to hurry it up! I "hear" God's voice often. This is because I open up to Him regularly, not matter what the circumstance or mood I may be in. Like a loving father, When I would question His ways... He would give me a wise answer. He began showing me in my mind a caterpillar entering a pupa state and resting. I understood what He meant, tried to rest up and let Him transform me, but it was not fun... it was lonely. I wanted to move, have excitement, look forward to something, LIVE! I did not really like the idea of being a fat lazy caterpillar, so I kinda ignored this Heavenly vision. I still asked God, hoping for a different answer. The second time, He showed me a beautiful lit up Christmas tree in the corner of our living room with Shannon's green lounge chair stretched a distance away. The tree was fixed up just like Shannon would have set it up if he were here. God showed me the presents beneath and told me they were the gifts He promised me for our future. He let me know that he DID have big plans for me and my family. But, that for now, He wanted me to not worry about them and focus on the moment at hand. I could wonder and be excited, but not worry or try to impatiently plan my own gifts. He told me that even if I did open the gifts now, I would not be able to use, appreciate, or understand them. He has to teach me slowly all His ways before I can comprehend his plan and the gifts it contains. He told me that instead of sitting by the tree waiting, there was a way to make it "faster". He wanted me to sit with Him in Shannon's green chair and just look at the tree with Him. Just be still, peaceful, and talk to Him while we waited... together. I did like this idea better than the caterpillar... But still, my Heavenly Father was not giving His spoiled little girl the answer she wanted...

I don't want to SIT STILL! I want it my way and fast!

(Verruca Salt style)

So, I guess you could say I somewhat ventured on my own to find ways to "fill" my desires. Filling my life with things that made me temporarily happy and less lonely. Unknowingly, these things became my "God" and a lesser form of Idolatry. When I left His will. I left Him for a bit. I was not talking to Him anymore. Or, when I tried, it was just awkward and insincere. I had no peace.

So, I prayed my pruning prayer... a prayer I often do when I am seriously seeking His will.

see here...

Video and Past Blog Post

(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eDoF_x-YLCo)

(http://thelostsocklife.blogspot.com/2013/10/prune-my-passions-of-gardener-of-grace.html)

When I stepped back pruned hearted and changed my perspective... I realized what I was doing, which didn't seem wrong really, was NOT what He wanted, I realized I was hurting him by pushing His plan away. He wanted to spend time with me, but like a child, I was refusing. Just like a kid, I wanted to do it all by myself. I thought I knew better than my father. His ideas take too long! But, a mansion is not built in one day. Nothing good comes fast! If I wanted a good home to live in forever that lasted, would I want it built quickly? What was I rushing, and what was I missing out on? Sometimes a person wants you to love them and spend time with them, but when you refuse them, it is hurtful. You quit asking cause you know you can't MAKE anyone love you. And if you ahve to ASK, the act of them "loving" you seems insincere. So, You have to just patiently sit and wait for them to realize your love. That was what God did..

He waited for me while I wouldn't wait for Him.

I was so mad at myself for refusing His request to spend time with Him intimately. I then remembered when I was married to Shannon and I became recreated in Christ. In the beginning, I wanted so bad to just lock myself in my closet and worship Him in my Secret Place... but I wasn't sure if Shannon would understand. He would wonder where I was. I was not strong enough to explain to him the importance of being ALONE and STILL with Christ.

At that time, my deepest desire was to just be alone the Father.

I just wanted CHRIST ALONE!

Well, now, there was no other man here stopping me.

God was my new husband, and he WANTED ME!

So, that was I waiting for!!!???

Why was I fighting Him? Why was I running?

It reminded me of this song by Tenth Avenue North called, By Your Side.

Watch and Listen here ...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xHgNCj4DU_M

In the same way that you can't MAKE somebody love you,

You can't MAKE things happen!

If you try to force situations or relationships outside of His plan, you are messing with His masterpiece, conducting His symphony! We cannot teach the Teacher! We cannot out-master the Master. It will just turn out bringing you shame, rejection, pain, regret, fear, grief, or total heartache. When you realize the mess you made all by yourself, God will lovingly clean it up for you

all by Himself (it's called Grace)! And while your Savior is on His holy knees cleaning up your mess, sifting through the wrapping paper you just HAD TO tear off, He will not condemn you. That shame you hold... He will hear it like a messy bib and take the blame (it's called the Cross).

"For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him." John 3:17

But in the foolish process.. you lost precious time. In the end, it takes even LONGER than it should have for His plan to work out. We ruin HIS perfect plan by becoming impatient and stubborn.

So, after I asked my Father and He gave me an answer... I did not listen the first or second time.

So, now, after wasting some heartache and valuable time, I am here to listen and love.

I am going to rest, let Him lead while I sit in His Presence trusting His plan.

I will wait for HIS gift. He knows me better than I know myself, He MADE ME! So, He knows what kind of gift I would love.

HE GIVES PERFECT PRESENTS!

James 1:17

"Every good and perfect gift comes from Him.

Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning."

Matthew 7:11

Heavenly Father knows how to give good Gifts.

"If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!"

HE PROMISES HOPE & FUTURE

Jeremiah 29:11

He promises good things to come from His plan...

"For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

I HEAR HIS VOICE...
Sheep are dumb, ok! They know nothing without guidance. There is no coincidence His word compares us to them. I do better in life when I humble myself and am totally reliant of my Shepard. You cannot hear Him if all you hear is YOURSELF!
John 10:27
"My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me; and I give eternal life to them, and they will never perish; and no one will snatch them out of My hand.…"

HIS WAY BRINGS PEACE, OURS IS FOOLISHNESS.

only a fool follows foolishness.

Make a mistake once, you are naive and normal. Do it again, you are a FOOL!

Psalm 85:8

"I listen carefully to what God the LORD is saying, for he speaks peace to his faithful people. But let them not return to their foolish ways."

May God Bless whoever reads this and may my words here bring comfort and knowledge for them to apply to their life and increase their closeness to the Father...

PEACE BE WITH YOU,

Tabitha, the Lost Sock

Saturday, August 10, 2013

Diary of a Young Widow...

I am a young widowed woman, artist, mother, and daughter of Christ...

I usually blog about my art and how each creation fits into something I am going through in my walk of faith... I have done some since my wonderful husband, Shannon, left us. But, I do not feel like that is what the Lord wants me to do in my current mourning state. Although I do need to get things out of me that are sitting inside. I thougth this may be a good time to begin documenting my roller-coaster days of mourning. Some days I feel close to Christ... then other days I am in the pit of loneliness...

But, here is where I am going to let it all out for me, or you, or whoever may need it.

Just in case you are reading this and have no idea who I am or who my husband was, this is a blog I created in his memory.

How this works...

click on the links to view these VLOGS (video blogs)

from out YouTube account...

Dedicated to My Best Friend...

http://thelostsocklife.blogspot.com/2013/07/my-best-friend.html?m=1

Before Shannon passed, I taught my girls to take pictures with their hearts to hold forever. I am so glad I did this before he left. Because we are relying on a lot of memories to keep our spirits up.

This video was created before our mourning;

Photos of the Heart...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b2o-BH6_sNM

This was my first Vlog I created a little shy about doing so. It felt strange and like untouched territory of my heart... but here it is.

When we are falling and hit rock bottom,
He is there waiting. He is our rock...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KumdpLUK1Jc

I went through a confusing time of loneliness. I wanted things but knew I didn't need them. I do not want to be a fool that listens to her heart, but more a heart that listens to her Father. I want His will, not my own. Jeremiah 17:9-10 says, "The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it? I the Lord search the heart, I try the reins, even to give every man according to his ways, and according to the fruit of his doings." We cannot trust our own hearts. If we follow them, they will lead us to a destructive place. We have to ask God to look inside them and deroot all the things that He does not want... and on a DAILY BASIS!

Having passionate feelings
but not knowing if they are His will...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eDoF_x-YLCo

When all I want to do is cry and fall down... I cannot because my little girls are there to pick me up and wipe all my tears away like a game of catch. They are amazingly strong. My littlest one goes around singing, "Day by Day" from the Godspell Musical all the time. She also sings "Jesus loves Me" randomly through the day and just at the right times. My eldest daughter singe "Somewhere over the Rainbow" to me when I cry... she likes the verse, "where troubles melt like lemon drops, oh way above the chimney tops, that's where you'll find DAD (changing the words)." I am NOT a singer, but here is an attempt at us making a trio happen with the song "Day by Day"...

Holding the family together is a day by day process...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KT3lEtc4n-Q

Phones ringing, bills in the mail, people knocking, they mean well. I know they want to show me they care. And I would do the same thing for anyone in my spot... but sometimes I just want to be alone...

When you want to be alone, but need to be wanted...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P6q3kFBK4Jg

4 weeks have passed, finding it hard to sleep with my brain going over the speed limit. Sleeping in a room that had plans, left unfinished...
Bedroom redecorate, left undone
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=niem6eNPTC0

Finally got some alone time with no time limit. Off to nature with my drawing bag and an open heart. Started a picture at the Nature Preserve, but the camera battery dies. That's ok, it gave me more time to really just concentrate on my Creator's glory around me. I got so into my groove, the sun started going down and wolves were howling (not kidding). Moon started rising and sun definitely was gone. I heard them getting closer so ran to the truck much earlier than my heart wanted to...

See video here...

Creating for my creator- Part 1

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SMNKGdibXAU&feature=youtu.be
FYI, this video just stops in the middle because God wanted me to shut up and spend time with him... not my IPAD. That is why there is a part 2.

The basic line drawing traced...

As a mom with a career, I have to work in spurts. I hunger to work, so any spare moment of free time is a blessing for me; naps, car rides, teacher meetings (shhhhhhh!), or anywhere. I prefer to work outside or by a window, listening to Christian music, and being alone.

But, those are special and rare blessings of intimate time with my Creator... Oh so treasured. That is when His voice is clear and my mind is unleashed with my heart unchained!

So, another day on my porch I wanted to share more about my alone time with my Creator in my "secret place" in hopes of inspiring you to do it too...

Creating for my Creator- part 2

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3-rCMBiLMiw

Lord Lay My Bricks... and HURRY!
This video is in reference to my yellow brick road theory and artwork
which is a previous blog post...
http://thelostsocklife.blogspot.com/2013/08/where-is-my-yellow-brick-road.html
Feeling now that my yellow brick road cannot be put down fast enough!
God is probably giggling at my giddyness to GO!
I am ready for what he has planned for me and my family.
I just want it now!
Hopefully I won't land down the "bad egg"shoot with Veronica Salt...
But I am trusting the Lord in His Brick laying process and speed.
Feeling all dressed up and nowhere to go.

See Vlog here on YOUTUBE link...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wg5pwN4sE1k

The Lord is our Compass
discovering the way through new places by using His direction.

Read more about being forced into single parenting... and finding your way through.

http://thelostsocklife.blogspot.com/2013/09/the-lord-is-our-compass.html

BABYSTEPS TO BRAVERY

Finally some alone time with my man JC at out in Creation. I usually go to draw whatever it is that my heart is inspired to create... but His voice is calling me to do something different. Those nature trails have been whispering to me, "come, see what we have down deep here... run down us and set yourself freeeeeeeee." Every time I go to the Mineola Nature Preserve, I just want to run or ride down it's mysterious paths. Without a bike, I have no choice but to foot it. Here I go.. am I brave enough?
See video here..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CGIv9ZmFfxQ

A WIDOW'S WEEDS...
10/19/13
3 months plus into the grieving process.
Finally clearing my heart of all the foolish clutter that has been keeping me from getting to the heart of the matter... the loss of my husband. It is true that there is no "proper" way tor grieve. I have been pushing away even thinking about my husband, numbing myself to it all by finding ways to fill the hole he left. I found things I wanted that were not God's will and planted them in that hole and just let them grow up into weeds that eventually were strangling out all life that God had planted there. For weeks, God had been telling me to still my mind, "Be still and know that I am God". I even made a picture to illustrate it.