Pity Pie... Deny Deny Deny.

Sometimes I get gloomy and down when I start to thinking about blogging, my art, my books, my poetry, my intense passions... and life. I start to look at other people and start feeling inadequate about my own life. I am sure we all do this. I will spend hours doing something that i think is for my own entertainment or well being, or something to make me feel closer to my Creator, but when nobody notices or comments... i just get all gloomy. It makes me reconsider my true intentions I guess. Because if it was really for ME or HIM that CREATED ME, then why should I care about what other people think? I know... but I do. I guess I feel like most of my art is for me to get closer to Christ or to help others get closer to Him. Then when no evidence of that is seen, I feel sad.

For example, I love to blog. I like to just organize my thoughts onto here because leaving them in my head is a dangerous idea. If I leave them in my head they get lost in all the mess of noodles up there and tangled around into knots. I always say I have "spaghetti for brains". I look at other blogs to get inspired, but then it just seems to do the opposite. All those people look so perfect and wonderfully artsy... then I start to feel down cause my blog has low views, 1 fan (THanks, Rocky), and little to no comments. How do some people get so much and get paid to do it?! Then I look at all the pretty people and wish I was better and start to feel like chopped meat in comparison. BOO HOO HOO! Then I proceed to the kitchen and cut myself a small slice of high calorie pity pie... then decide to just leave the measly slice and take the bigger part which makes me fat and I cry more. 

I hear God's voice tell me to get up and pull myself together... I have learned to talk to God in all circumstances, even if it is out of madness, anger, fear, doubt, or in this case self pity. So, I start to question and pray, "God, I am doing this blog, my art, my books, and my life walk for your glory... or at least that was my original intention.  I want to spread your love around in every avenue of my life and use the Lost Sock as a testimony of your greatness our weakness. Why do I feel so lonely in it all and have so little followers and friends? What am I doing wrong? Does anyone appreciate this, does anyone see me and love me? I mean REALLY love me... enough to listen to my ideas, read about my life, or study my art? Even my Mom, Dad, Sister, Husband, and daughters don't meet my standard of love. Every human every where has let me down in some form or fashion when it comes to affection. I want the deepest of the deep... the never leave, the never forsake, always listen, always care love! Where is it? What am I doing wrong? Why am I not good enough? Is anything I do worth anything to anybody out there? If this is all for good, then where are the followers, where is the fruit? Is it wrong to want to see something happen? Or is that glorifying myself? 

Hello, Hello, Hello... Echo, Echo, Echo.". 

I sit and wait patiently and God slowly floods my swarming mind with visions and scenes comes to me...

I see Christ's disciples, his followers, the Garden of Gethsemane,  the rooster, the Cross,
Peter on the shore,
and my heart in all humbleness slowly understands...
It understands that He understands just how I feel.

I had to let all these images He gave me soak in over the week.
So, i looked up each scene in the Bible to make sure I had it all right.
This helped me make sense of all that He was trying to tell me in my selfish pity...

Disciples at the Last Supper

 Matthew 26:34 & 35
As they ate the last supper, Peter promised Jesus he would never deny him and would walk to the death with him. This was Jesus's biggest follower and number one fan. He was the one that Jesus could depend on for his most important tasks. But still, Jesus knew he would deny him at the time when he needed him the most.When Jesus told him he would deny him that night three times before the rooster crows. His reply was,

"Even if I have to die with you, I will never disown you".
At this moment, All of the other disciples claimed to agree with Peter.
Although Peter meant it at this moment with all his heart, he was not humanly capable of keeping his word.

Peter at the Garden of Gethsemane

Mark 26:36-38
Christ was feeling deeply sorrowful knowing what He was about to face. So, he asked Peter and two others to stay up and watch that night as he prayed in the garden. He had to wake them three times in 1 hour. They just could not wait to sleep and their physical bodies were incapable of the sacrifice Jesus was asking for. Peter said he would die for Jesus, but could not even stay awake for Him..

Christ's Arrest
Matthew 26:56
When the soldiers came to take him away, at that point

all of the disciples forsook Him and fled.
All their claims of love were proven false here.
Instead of following Him to death, they fled with their own lives.

Peter Denying Christ
Matthew 26:69-75
He was asked three times if he was a follower of Christ and each time denied his knowledge of Him,
all before the rooster crowed.

After the Resurrection, Jesus had

Breakfast with Peter on the Shore

Here they sit alone, with the Peter's denial at their feet. The Lord asks Peter two times if Peter TRULY Unconditionally (agape)  loves Him. Each time Peter says that he loves him like a brother (philao). But, it does not seem to be the answer Jesus was hoping for. So, he asks him again a third time if he loves him like a brother. The last time Peter gets sad, and replies that he does love Him like a brother. 

So, Peter through it all was not able to give Jesus the love that either of them truly wanted. Peter wanted to love him fully and unconditionally, but as a human in the flesh... I don't think we are capable of this love. 

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What I have learned...

I think God gave me these images of these times He was betrayed to help me realize that it doesn't matter what this world thinks of me. I may not have followers or be accepted.... ever. Even Christ's followers scattered in the end. A faithful follower was truly nowhere to be found. But His love for me is unconditional. And in his arms is the only place I will find this love. No matter how much I search for it in this life, I will be sorely disappointed. 

After Everyone's worldly love has failed my expectations, I have come to know this. I don't just want love... I want AGAPE, unconditional love! The kind of love Jesus wanted from Peter in John 21. Peter loved Jesus like Philao (brotherly love). I want to the love that will drop everything, deny everything, and sacrifice everything for me. God wants that same love from us. And He is the only one that will give us this Love in return. I have learned, that there is no human capable of it. But I think that's the whole point... this need inside for this certain kind of love is what drives us to seek for more. It moves us to look above the earth and into the Universe and it's Maker. He is the answer to the quest!

So, I guess when I feel like a reject of the world, I should be flattered and comforted by the verse, 

John 15:18-19, "If this world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first. If you belonged to this world, it would love you as it's own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you."

So, when I feel down cause others are more beautiful, popular, perfect, or loved by their followers... I have to decide if that is what I really want. Because, conforming and changing to be accepted by the world would mean selling out to Christ. I must think differently than the world and change my thinking....

Romans 12:2"Do not conform to the ways of this world, but rather be transformed by the renewing of your mind."

MY PRAYER

Thank you Lord for showing me these things and allowing me to see the truth. When I am feeling like nobody is following me... I should not look back, take your hand, and follow you. Thank you for loving me truly unconditionally. 

Amen

After thought: We all just need to be ourselves instead of trying to live up to what we think the world wants from us. We can never keep up with the rat race we call life. All we can do is the the true person God created us to be, and do it to the best of our ability.
Read this after-blog post for more art and theory on being yourself...
http://thelostsocklife.blogspot.com/2013/05/r-u-real-you.html