New Memories

Inspired today. Been thinking about dreams lately. I think the hardest thing about being a young widow is reevaluating your dreams. I shared dreams, they died when he left... And crumbles of confusion were left for me alone. What do I still dream for? Since God has blessed with me with new love, along come new dreams. My old memories were once freshly planted and will forever spring up reminding me. But God gives us new seeds, new dreams. Life keeps going, God keeps showing & hope is growing. Don't let disappointment of old dreams keep you from moving on. Use the flowers from yesterday to give you strength along the way.

UnContainable Dreams

I had dreams in the past

That I held onto tight.

Like a child waits for a star

To shoot through the night, 

I waited & wished for it all to come, 

With my heart strongly beating like a drum. 

Then life brought a change, 

Surprising seasons age...

Now Dreams seem too far to touch, 

And my wrinkled hands loosen their clutch. 

My dreams I once tightly carried

Were bottled, corked & buried

Where the light no longer shines bright...

Forgotten and out of sight. 

My hearts became jaded 

As old dreams felt faded. 

Fear forcefully pushed the dirt tightly on top, 

To trap the dream's seed and produce no crop. 

I thought it better to suffocate the seed, 

That to live lonely with doubt & watch it bleed....

But the drumming dream beneath can't be hidden long, 

With it's everlasting joyful song.

The dream's drum cracks the bottle that contains, 

While the sun shines down and Heaven rains. 

Preparing a surface for my dreams to be reborn, 

Where roots grow up and soil is torn. 

The star shoots down and pulls the stem from below, 

Giving life to my dream and making it grow. 

The star I once waited for like a child each night, 

Is giving my dreams a new promise of light.

Art and Poetry by Tabitha Seaton

* A young widow's dreams can not stay bottled up. 

Inspired by new love & hope. 

Up in the Air...

Grieving is such an emotional roller coaster. It's been over a year since Shannon, my husband of 10 years, left for Eternal Paradise. There is peace in knowing that it was all part of God's plan. I know Shannon is up there with our Father preparing a place for us to go after here... But the part that grieves me the most is mostly self pity in whats left here on Earth for us to sort through. Just because the biggest bump in the ride is behind us doesn't mean we won't be thrown for loops ahead. They seem to come from nowhere... 

Ok... So just when I am starting to feel "happy" again, I am struck with panic and fear! New love is here with words of comforting promise... But I can't seem to shake a fear of moving forward in life. Right now my life is so "up in the air" and I am deeply desiring a place to land and re-root. It's hard to relax at times when you know your life is in a sort of transport stAte and there's nothing beneath but air just whisping through your dangling roots. Even scarier is knowing there's young life in the basket with you that is depending on you to comfort them in the time you are feeling craziest of all. 

The sad part is thAt through this life I've grown a little tougher & realer... And in the process grown to fear happiness. It seems that at that sudden moment in life when your heart takes a snap shot of all you hold and grasps the true meaning of happiness in life... Well, it all kind of crumbles away. Happiness is fleeting and temporary. It's a glimpse you soak in and remember in contrast to the crumbles. I was happy and know I will be again. But I realize too, that when happiness is only a worldly & temporary emotion... Joy is an everlasting spirit deep reality that is soaked so far into the root of me... That no matter where my life floats to, this Joy can never be removed from my spirit. Planted or plummeting... It follows me everywhere. My life is not defined by my circumstances that come and go, but is defined only by what my spirit roots eternally contain. 

Poem below & styrofoam breakfast plate art wAs created in a meeting that I lost control of my emotions in. Roller coaster emotions can not be planned out. You may cry in the middle of the check out line of a grocery store and have to abandon a cart of frozen food to get it all together in a private stall of a public bathroom! Who knows... But the point is that if we are "afraid" to cry loud in a crowd... Then we are cowards. It is those thAt cry in the midst of pride that find an unexplainable strength and power in just letting go.

So, after my panic attack... Roller coaster loop... Freak out session... Pity party...Or whatever  you want to label it, I had no choice but to grab the empty white things around me and fill them up with my mark, my art, my voice, my spirit, my faith, my feelings... I just let it all out. 

Take it from me... A young widow, single mom, starting life over lady; 

Don't be afraid grieving souls to Just take a cry... Take a breathe! When living day by day is too much , live breath by breath. When you can't breathe... When you feel like your drowning, Ask Him that rotates the Earth to breath for you & on you. Let Him give your spirit CPR, take you where you need to go. Let go of life and let Him carry you with His invisible love. For it is the things that we cannot see here on this EArth that will remAin in eternity. Joy, peace, love. Have faith in things that are beyond sight. Test your trust... In the breath of the One who gave you your first breath. 

Passion for Hot Air Balloons spills over into my classroom life.... 

see art lessons plans on this top here. 

http://tabithaannthelostsock.blogspot.com/2014/11/hot-air-balloon-unit.html

Good Food and Dreams... remembering Shannon.

Pure Honesty right this second...

I was thinking about my late husband, Shannon Seaton, who passed almost 5 moths ago. He left a hole that I am finding hard to fill. I know God gives me peace and comfort, but if I am just being honest here... the hole Shannon left is not gone. Not sure if it will ever be till I see him again in Heaven. Maybe, that's the point. All holes will be filled when we go Home. Maybe it is those holes we have here on earth that drive our vision to Heaven...

I started this blog ONLY because of Shannon. He encouraged me so much creatively. He never denied me in that way. He was my greatest fan and full support. He wanted me to show my art and faith to the world. He was the one that researched differnt blog sites for me and pushed me to start. That is the incredibleness of him. He put my dreams before his own. When I really got into my blog, I would stay up late nights at times and Shannon would go to bed before me just waiting up for me to get done, "I'm almost done", I would say, "Just one second"... seconds later.... "5 more minutes...."... then snores from him. He would try to wait. But he never complained. Even the thrifty fashionista aspect of the LostSock blog... he was the photographer behind the scenes. He WANTED to take pictures of his girls dressed up. He loved to do this on Sundays after church. He was so amazing. I started to feel guilty as I spend time on my blog. I knew Shannon always had the dream of traveling Texas and visiting every burger and BBQ joint in the state and giving his own critique of each one. I started his blog page for him, hoping he would want to do one too.

Shannon loved LaWaffalata

downtown Mineola the most.

He was a man with a big appetite... and this is a "tea room" kinda place.

But this never stopped him. He always left full and happy. It was always the first place he would call on the weekends to see what their specials were. We went to different cites to eat burgers that were on the "Texas Monthly Burger Fame" list.

He said nothing beat the Hangover Burger East Texas Burger had that one New Years Day.

(he was not hung over... just had good taste).

These pictures below were taken by Shannon as I encouraged him to start blogging.

He had excuses not to, but I told him..

 "Just start local first, no big commintment, then go from there.".

The "specials" at LaWaffalata.

Our last mean together at LaWaffalata...

never would have known.

My meal on left, the Slider

Shannon's meal on right, the burger special.

                                                       Below is Shannon and Maisy

eating at East Texas Burger (joined to LaWaffalata). This is their favorite dinner spot, cause unfortunately, LaWaffalata is not open for dinner. Shannon always wished it was.

This was another burger at LaWaffalata that Shannon took a picture of...

He liked avacado, bacon, and grilled onions on his burger with the jalepenjo cheese bun.

Shannon would always make me run out and check the special board outside LaWaffala to see what they were having, but by the time I would run back to the car, I would forget. So, I got smart one afternoon and just took a picture!

Shannon also loved Kitchen's Hardware and Deli.

If the specials were not so special sounding to him at his first choice,

we would go to the Deli.

He often made reservations on Friday nights here too for our date nights.

He loved thier steak!

Every time we go to Kitchen's for lunch,

Shannon would ask for the "secret sauce".

It is just a kind of horseradish ranch suace the regulars that know about it put on thier saltine crackers. We never knew what it was, but all the old men that come in regularly would have it and one day Shannon just asked what it was and tried it. He asked for it every time after that.

The girls Madelynn and Maisy eating the "secret sauce" on their saltines.

They have kids' menus that you can color on too. Fun for them... and me too.

This was our very last mean at Kitchen's only days before Shannon past.

He never got the nachos but wanted to try somethign new.

His regular was the Shilou Plate.

He was going to do a section in his Beans, Bacon and Chopstick blog

about what I ate. He was fascinated by my food. He always teased me because I ate the oddest things.

This is my cripsy chicken salad with ranch and blue cheese crumbles. Not that weird.  

 Shannon's Blog... dreams left undone.

    http://beansbaconchopsticks.blogspot.com/

I hepled him with the name, made the design. A week before he passed, we ate at a couple of his favorite places downtown Mineola, Texas (our home town). I took pictures of his plate before he ate, posed him fork in hand and even the girls too. I wanted him to want to start blogging. But the passion just was not there for him He dreamed my dreams for me more than his own. I wonder if God made him to dream through me? I don't mean this selfishly... I mean, Shannon was a behind the stage man. He wanted to go unnoticed. He was humble down deep. He loved to see me shine. He revamped a vintage trailor to be my art studio. I never worked in it cause I didn't want to go out away from him to work. So, he moved all the stuff out years later and changed out dinging room we never ate in to my art studio. He never questioned my dreams. I was a grain of sand, he was my clam. I was a lump of coal, he was my mine. He brought out the best in me.

And now i am here.. with my blog... withough him. Still going... still dreaming.

I remember only a few days before he passed, that Friday night we were blessed with a date night to go see a friend act in a play and go eat dinner. Shannon always wanted an old car. That was one dream we had toghether. We promised one day we would do it and stopped road side many times to check out cars and consider. But that night we had our date... He almost broke his neck when he saw an old truck on the side of the road for sale. He pulled over, got out, stood on the side rail, peeked in. He just stood there dreaming. I remember looking at him and thinking, "Man, that is the most handsome Shannon has ever looked, standing there with dreams twinkling in his eyes, all passionate and sexy (sorry)". I did not tell him this though. But the way he lingered there on that truck, dreams in his eyes, passion inside.

But then let it go. Then he walked back to the car so we could drive back home to our little girls and our bed. He let them go... His dreams.

Five days later, he left us to something bigger and grander.

The place that holds all dreams.

That puts life into perspective for me, truly.

What dreams do I have that are not important? Which ones do I need to let go to God?

I know God took Shannon from me, and here I am lonely as i've ever been.

I have dreams not of finding another mate, bruildig another love, hope for a father figure for my girls to grow with. The desire to make new memories and move on to a happier place.

But, then I wonder... are these just dreams of MINE...not dreams of HIs.

What are dreams anyways?

Shannon lived to make my dreams grow and they produce fruit still and give life.

He left a earthly home that was not completed. I am here to finish the work

while he goes on to get things ready for us in our eternal home that will never fall.

His dreams are done. I just wonder if he is cheering us on form the cloud of witnesses.

"Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us (loved ones we lost),
let us also lay aside every encumbrance(dreaming dead-end dreams in vain), 
and the sin (selfishness) which so easily entangles us and
let us run with endurance the race that is set before us (God's dreams),
fixing our eyes on Jesus (seeing clearly eternity),
the author and perfecter of faith (He wrote our life, beginning to end),
who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God."…
Hebrew 12:1

Is he seeing us from the grandstands, a witness from the clouds,
 trying to steer us to follow the dreams of eternal value, cheering us on?

I pray that I make the right choices,
and follow the ones that will lead to eternity and branching roads of opportunity

rather than chasing the selfish ones in vain that lead to dead ends.

 I pray we all do.

Thank you God for giving me Shannon for 10 years.
Thank you for his encouragement to nurture my creative dreams that magnify your presence.

He was so unselfish to dream through us, just watching from backstage and behing the camera lens...

You are greatly missed my love.

Your Forever Girls

Tabitha, Madelynn, and Maisy

A blog post dedicated to my best friend...

http://thelostsocklife.blogspot.com/2013/07/my-best-friend.html

Being Patience for His Gifts... my first Christmas as a young widow.

This will be our first Christmas without having Shannon here.

My husband, Shannon, passed away almost five months ago and I have been dreading Christmas since. He LOVED Christmas.

As a woman of faith, hope set in very soon after Shannon past. Instead of looking back, I looked forward. Although I was missing Shannon, I was looking forward to what God had planned for us. His plan was a total mystery to me. Why did He take Shannon? Why now? These were not questions rooted in doubt or hate, but mystery, curiosity and excitement. I could not even understand my own emotions because to this natural world, they seem odd. Even to me, a woman of faith, I questioned my grief. Was I doing it right? How was I excited so soon into it all? I still do not know, except for the fact that I have a close connection to Christ. When I found Shannon on the lawn where he passed, I felt a flood of peace run over me as I prayed in the Spirit over him. I think this was a gift God gave me. That is all I can give as an explanation. The world may think I am heartless to be so accepting & understanding soon after my husband passed, but it's MY grief. 

Through my experience, it's not lacking heart...it is more like 

GOD HAS MY HEART and HE GIVES ME PEACE.

After about a month, I began to be very anxious about my future. 

I wrote many blog post about this feeling and made many videos about it as well (see below). 

It was intense! I was a little worried about being alone FOREVER and having to be single. 

I was dependent on Shannon for SO MUCH! He spoiled me with love, encouragement, care, cleaning, cooking, bills, and lots more for us as a family. He worked hard and now it was me having to take all I knew (very little) and all my strength to work, raise my family, and keep up with all life requires. I was not used to being in charge!

I was lost... and incredibly lonely. 

I wanted to have something happen NOW! I knew I wanted to follow His plan, but kept asking Him to hurry it up! I "hear" God's voice often. This is because I open up to Him regularly, not matter what the circumstance or mood I may be in.  Like a loving father, When I would question His ways... He would give me a wise answer. He began showing me in my mind a caterpillar entering a pupa state and resting. I understood what He meant, tried to rest up and let Him transform me, but it was not fun... it was lonely. I wanted to move, have excitement, look forward to something, LIVE! I did not really like the idea of being a fat lazy caterpillar, so I kinda ignored this Heavenly vision. I still asked God, hoping for a different answer. The second time, He showed me a beautiful lit up Christmas tree in the corner of our living room with Shannon's green lounge chair stretched a distance away. The tree was fixed up just like Shannon would have set it up if he were here. God showed me the presents beneath and told me they were the gifts He promised me for our future. He let me know that he DID have big plans for me and my family. But, that for now, He wanted me to not worry about them and focus on the moment at hand. I could wonder and be excited, but not worry or try to impatiently plan my own gifts. He told me that even if I did open the gifts now, I would not be able to use, appreciate, or understand them. He has to teach me slowly all His ways before I can comprehend his plan and the gifts it contains. He told me that instead of sitting by the tree waiting, there was a way to make it "faster". He wanted me to sit with Him in Shannon's green chair and just look at the tree with Him. Just be still, peaceful, and talk to Him while we waited... together. I did like this idea better than the caterpillar... But still, my Heavenly Father was not giving His spoiled little girl the answer she wanted... 

I don't want to SIT STILL! I want it my way and fast! 

(Verruca Salt style)

So, I guess you could say I somewhat ventured on my own to find ways to "fill" my desires. Filling my life with things that made me temporarily happy and less lonely. Unknowingly, these things became my "God" and a lesser form of Idolatry. When I left His will. I left Him for a bit. I was not talking to Him anymore. Or, when I tried, it was just awkward and insincere. I had no peace. 

So, I prayed my pruning prayer... a prayer I often do when I am seriously seeking His will.

see here...

Video and Past Blog Post

(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eDoF_x-YLCo)

(http://thelostsocklife.blogspot.com/2013/10/prune-my-passions-of-gardener-of-grace.html)

When I stepped back pruned hearted and changed my perspective... I realized what I was doing, which didn't seem wrong really, was NOT what He wanted, I realized I was hurting him by pushing His plan away. He wanted to spend time with me, but like a child, I was refusing. Just like a kid, I wanted to do it all by myself. I thought I knew better than my father. His ideas take too long! But, a mansion is not built in one day. Nothing good comes fast! If I wanted a good home to live in forever that lasted, would I want it built quickly? What was I rushing, and what was I missing out on? Sometimes a person wants you to love them and spend time with them, but when you refuse them, it is hurtful. You quit asking cause you know you can't MAKE anyone love you. And if you ahve to ASK, the act of them "loving" you seems insincere. So, You have to just patiently sit and wait for them to realize your love. That was what God did.. 

He waited for me while I wouldn't wait for Him. 

I was so mad at myself for refusing His request to spend time with Him intimately. I then remembered when I was married to Shannon and I became recreated in Christ. In the beginning, I wanted so bad to just lock myself in my closet and worship Him in my Secret Place... but I wasn't sure if Shannon would understand. He would wonder where I was. I was not strong enough to explain to him the importance of being ALONE and STILL with Christ. 

At that time, my deepest desire was to just be alone the Father. 

I just wanted CHRIST ALONE!

Well, now, there was no other man here stopping me. 

God was my new husband, and he WANTED ME!

So, that was I waiting for!!!???

 Why was I fighting Him? Why was I running? 

It reminded me of this song by Tenth Avenue North called, By Your Side.

Watch and Listen here ...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xHgNCj4DU_M

In the same way that you can't MAKE somebody love you, 

You can't MAKE things happen!

If you try to force situations or relationships outside of His plan, you are messing with His masterpiece, conducting His symphony! We cannot teach the Teacher! We cannot out-master the Master.  It will just turn out bringing you shame, rejection, pain, regret, fear, grief, or total heartache. When you realize the mess you made all by yourself, God will lovingly clean it up for you

 all by Himself (it's called Grace)! And while your Savior is on His holy knees cleaning up your mess, sifting through the wrapping paper you just HAD TO tear off, He will not condemn you. That shame you hold... He will hear it like a messy bib and take the blame (it's called the Cross).

 "For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him." John 3:17

 But in the foolish process.. you lost precious time. In the end, it takes even LONGER than it should have for His plan to work out. We ruin HIS perfect plan by becoming impatient and stubborn. 

So, after I asked my Father and He gave me an answer... I did not listen the first or second time. 

So, now, after wasting some heartache and valuable time, I am here to listen and love.

I am going to rest, let Him lead while I sit in His Presence trusting His plan. 

I will wait for HIS gift. He knows me better than I know myself, He MADE ME! So, He knows what kind of gift I would love. 

HE GIVES PERFECT PRESENTS!

James 1:17

"Every good and perfect gift comes from Him.

 Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning."

Matthew 7:11

Heavenly Father knows how to give good Gifts.

"If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!"

HE PROMISES HOPE & FUTURE

Jeremiah 29:11

He promises good things to come from His plan...

"For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

I HEAR HIS VOICE...
Sheep are dumb, ok! They know nothing without guidance. There is no coincidence His word compares us to them. I do better in life when I humble myself and am totally reliant of my Shepard. You cannot hear Him if all you hear is YOURSELF!
John 10:27
 "My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me; and I give eternal life to them, and they will never perish; and no one will snatch them out of My hand.…"

HIS WAY BRINGS PEACE, OURS IS FOOLISHNESS.

only a fool follows foolishness. 

Make a mistake once, you are naive and normal. Do it again, you are a FOOL!

Psalm 85:8

"I listen carefully to what God the LORD is saying, for he speaks peace to his faithful people. But let them not return to their foolish ways."

May God Bless whoever reads this and may my words here bring comfort and knowledge for them to apply to their life and increase their closeness to the Father...

PEACE BE WITH YOU, 

Tabitha, the Lost Sock

MORE RELATED PAST POSTS

 Not wanting to stay still...

http://thelostsocklife.blogspot.com/2013/03/hamster-on-wheel-art-and-poetry.html

Wanting to see the Road all at once, but He shows us Brick by Brick

http://thelostsocklife.blogspot.com/2013/08/where-is-my-yellow-brick-road.html

Past BlogPost of His Pupa Vision...

 http://thelostsocklife.blogspot.com/2013/09/cocoon-of-change.html

 AND

http://thelostsocklife.blogspot.com/2013/09/wrapped-in-stillness-of-him.html

Past BlogPost of Weeding out my Selfish Desires from my heart...

those innocent "idols", forced relationships...

http://thelostsocklife.blogspot.com/2013/10/prune-my-passions-of-gardener-of-grace.html

A lonely widow's video ramblings...

my way as an individual of faith dealing with my roller coaster of emotions

http://thelostsocklife.blogspot.com/2013/08/diary-of-young-widow.html

Wrapped in the Stillness of Him...

 

I fight my nights with a restless imagination, 

and my LONG days are filled with day dreams of silly possible circumstances...

 just think think thinking or what is to come.

What is His plan?

What is up his big giant sleeve?

I trust His plan, yes, but... I want to know His plan RIGHT NOW!

So, I was feeling this way for weeks and finally decided that God is not happy with me.

I pray and tell Him what I desire, then He wants me to just let it go to him. 

He will either make them come true, or has something better than I imagined. 

So, I have felt Him telling me to just rest in Him. He wants me to see this time as a special time to just be with him. He wants me to enjoy and look forward to our intimate quiet time, just as I would with my husband. It should be what I look forward to, what I make time for, and my deepest desire. 

When I do get down and rest with Him, it gives my restless heart a deep peace. 

I never regret time alone with him, but I do regret it when I don't have it.

When the Lord speaks to my soul, he gives me pictures. He knows how I see and how I learn. 

He have me an image of a butterfly pupa, just still and protected. It appears to be doing nothing, but there is a greater change forming inside. Something miraculous is happening that the human eye cannot see. It is a time alone and secret with the Great Creator, the transformer. 

He is making me into something new after this great tragedy. I was happily married for 10 wonderful years to my best friend. These were times I was fat in spirit, eating wildly my leaves of happiness. Then all of a sudden, things changed. 

I was moved into a different lifestyle in the blink of an eye. Now that my eyes are adjusted to this new light, I can see where God is taking me... but slowly it is revealed.

These Verses have brought great comfort to me in my time of restlessness...

May you be blessed by them too.

________________________________________________________________

2 Corinthians 4:18

 While we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen: for the things which are seen are temporal; but the things which are not seen are eternal.

1 Peter 5:6-7

  Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God, that he may exalt you in due time: Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you. 

Psalm 27:5

 For in the time of trouble he shall hide me in his pavilion: in the secret of his tabernacle shall he hide me; he shall set me up upon a rock.

Psalm 37:7

 Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for him: fret not thyself because of him who prospereth in his way, because of the man who bringeth wicked devices to pass.

Psalm 46:10

 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.

Exodus 14:13

And Moses said unto the people, Fear ye not, stand still, and see the salvation of the Lord, which he will shew to you to day: for the Egyptians whom ye have seen to day, ye shall see them again no more for ever.

Matthew 11:28-30

Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.

For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

www.biblegateway.com 

 I have had this feeling before, but as a married woman. 

Read this post to see how this fast paced world can ruin our spirit...

Hamster on a Wheel, be still...

http://thelostsocklife.blogspot.com/search?q=be+still+

After my loss of my husband, I was searching for an answer. 

I wanted to see my road...

Where is my Yellow Brick Road?

http://thelostsocklife.blogspot.com/2013/08/where-is-my-yellow-brick-road.html

 I finally understood the meaning of this place I am in... 

as  a new single mom, I was feeling totally lost.

But God is Our Compass!

http://thelostsocklife.blogspot.com/2013/09/the-lord-is-our-compass.html

Here you can see my strange stages of grief, ranging from happy to sad, to confused, to lonely, to content...

A journey of a widow is definitely a Roller Coaster!

Diary of a Young Widow.

http://thelostsocklife.blogspot.com/2013/08/diary-of-young-widow.html

 

 

A Widow's Sanity... how to keep it.

Dear Wounded Widow,

Ok, breathe deep! It is ok to not have it ALL togther. We cannot do everything that we did before our men left and all that our husbands did without going insane. I think our sanity is at the upmost improtance. You have a choice... either

A. let some little stuff go, or

B. let your sanity go.

Ok, make the choice... I'm waiting.

IF you chose B. uh oh, you better go get busy doing those things that in the end won't matter one bit!
If you chose A, GOOD! continue reading.

Welcome back to reading you wise woman...
So, for me personally,
in the midst of raising my 2 girls, housework, bills, a full time job, trying to stay fit and healthy, being an artist, and making time for Christ...  there is not much time to do things that in the long run, don't even matter.  If I did, what would it prove anyway? Some things will have to just be let go. All I can do is my best and let God do the rest. My daily concern is "What is most important today, what can wait till tomorrow, and according to Christ... what is everlasting?".  For example, if I know that I need to water the plants but at the same time my 2 girls are being very needy... I choose to spend time with them. I am the only parent they have left and thier neediness is really a plee to satisfy thier love quotient for the day. Instead of telling them, NO, not now, I am busy, I have to water the plants that will die this fall anyways... I choose to nurture them. Plants will die and do not have spirits... children do. If I know that I should clean my baseboards, but I am inspired to create a painting that may win a soul to Christ or give peace to a hurting friend... I choose to paint. I ask myself, "What will last? What is GOD calling me to do?". We don't know if Moses had a clean house with sparkling base boards, or watered perky plants... but we know he led His people out of Egypt and followed the Lord wherever He led. We don't know if Mary cooked delisious cuisines every night for Joseph and her boys, but we do know that she trusted the Lord despite her interrupted plans. We do know however that Martha was a great host (or so she thought). Her bed was probablly perfectly made and her base boards shined brighter than diamonds, but she DID NOT have it all figured out. But her sister Mary did have things figured out. Instead of running around like a headless chicken when Jesus stopped by, She chose what was everlasing. She chose to worship her Lord. The expensive perfume she washed his feet with would not last forever if it just sat in the bottle... but the lavish sacrifice she showed in using it to clean Jesus's feet gave her priceless everlasting treasures above.

So, things like making the bed... if nobody is going to see your bed but you, then don't make it! I actually walk by my unmade bed with pride, knowing that I won't have to go through the annoying pointless process of throwing the nicely stacked decorative pillows on the floor that night and fold down the sheet just to finally rest. And if some unexpected visitor were to see your bed unmade accidentally, if they judge you for not making it... it is thier problem, not yours. You, lovely lady,  have more important things to take up your time than wasted worry.

Listen to this song, "I want to leave a Legacy" by Nichole Nordeman... It inspired me to look to what's most important. How will they remember me?

For more comfort and understanding from another widow's perspective... read here
http://thelostsocklife.blogspot.com/2013/08/diary-of-young-widow.html

The Lord is our compass...

Over a month ago ( July 17, 2013) my husband and best friend left this world due to cardiac arrest. He was young (35) and left suddenly with no signs or warnings. Although I believe regular Dr. Visits and medicine could have prevented or delayed his death, there were things that God used to give me peace in knowing that this was His plan. When I found Shannon, my husband, laying in the yard, he had been working hard to make things beautiful outside. He LOVED working in the yard! He had told me just a week before that his time in the yard was his time to talk with God. It was when he felt Him closest and heard Him the clearest. While he was mowing, weeding, and pruning... i was busy inside that morning with our 2 girls, Maisy (6) and Madelynn (2), fixing lunch and was working on a project for Shannon. I was making him an IPAD cover from some vintage hunting material he loved and wanted to surprise him by getting it done while he was working. So, when I wasn't tending to my girls, I was focusing on finishing my creative project. We had a great morning, week, month, even year as a family. Shannon and i were up late the night before trying to dodge things on our Summer "to do list".  we spent an hour or more the night before, after the girls were asleep, organizing hundreds of family photos holding memories of fun, family, friends, and faith. We laid on the living room floor, laughed and talked over photo boxes about how blessed we were in our life. We then got ready for bed and laid down at midnight, remembering we still had to read our Sunday School lesson to teach that very next morning in church. shannon and i had felt the Lord calling us to teach an adult Sunday School class earlier that year, and we were enjoying our studying time together. The topic that night was unforgiveness and grudges. We talked about some that we once had, but were great full that they had left our hearts and we were now free from their bondages. Shannon and I had been through a rough bump in our marriage a couple of summers before, and the wounds took some time for recovery. This recovery would not have been possible without Christ as our rhird chord. In hinds sight, I see now that God put that bump there at that time, giving us enough time to heal and be rebonded before Shannon's departure.

That next morning Shannon had excitedly pre-planned his yard work. We all woke up, drove to McDonalds drive-thru in our p.j.s, and ate breakfast on the porch while daddy pulled sticker burs from the ground. He wanted us to eat outside to keep him company for a while before he mowed. The company was short because of the bugs and heat. Maisy could not handle it and started to whine to go in.  Little did we know this was the last moments to spend with Daddy as a family. But after we came inside, I had Maisy take a big tall bottle of ice water out to the porch for Daddy. She waved big to him so he would see her with her refreshing gift. He waved back and smiled at her. Even this small detail gives me peace. I didn't want her last words to be whiny with him. I am forever greatful that she took it out to him rather than me, so he could see her happy one more time. This whole year was full of seasons of renewal, growth, hope, and healing for our marriage and family. My prayers for spiritual renewal had been answered...

Things were finally feeling... Well...

 Perfectly orchestrated by His great hand! 

 

I must Backtrack now to something very improtant...



Five years prior to this day (August 2008),  my life took a major spiritual awakening, and I knew The Lord in an entirely new way.

See here for my illustrated (yet incomplete) Testimony...

http://thelostsocklife.blogspot.com/2013/03/supertab-autobiographical-comic-of-my.html

 I wanted Shannon to know The Lord the same way I had begun. He was a man of faith, no doubt... But he was quiet about it. I was usually the one to initiate giving, read the Bible to the girls, and tuaght them (well Maisy mostly) how to feel and hear God. I had been the spiritual leader. I knew that if he knew The Lord as intimately as I was now doing, he would not be able to be so timid about his faith. But, he had just not gotten the experience personally yet. I depserately wanted him to have what I had. (I desperately want EVERYONE to have it!) So, I began to write and pray about The Lord "shaking" his faith! I wanted him to wake up to the unseen spiritual side of life here on earth.



Sketch of Vision

(done after Shannon's departure)

 

One partitcular time (fall/winter 2012) As I prayed, The Lord gave me a vision. He showed my heart a picture of me, Maisy, and Madelynn walking alone in a forest of trees. It was on the verge of darkness and we were alone with nothing but the compasses of our hearts... And I was the navigator with no map. I felt a sudden urgency to take His word into heart and digest it. It was important that my " map" not be something that I held in hand, but rather heart. But in my mind, I felt urgency to tell Shannon to step it up and get things together! I thought at the time that God gave me this message for Shannon, to warn him to be more of a fearless spiritual leader rather than a quiet observer. I was not sure how to tell him about this peculiar vision, so I took notes on a yellow pad to get my thoughts together before I confronted him with it. I couldn't go to bed without letting it go. So, as we laid down, I laid it all out. He respectfully listened to the message, my suggestions, my feelings and  seemed open to stepping it up. but... In time, his actions proved he was not confident in how to do this. I knew to be patient. sadly, he did not have a strong male faithful figure to follow. He was lost... with no compass, disconnected to true North. So, I just kept praying and let God take control. This was about winter of 2012. That spring, our church youth group was searching for a male adult to be a leader of a group called UM Army. It is where a group of teens and an adult go to different arranged locations in a community to do labor projects for people that needed help. He was excited to go work for The Lord because he loved to build and be outside. But, he was not excited about the idea of leaving us girls for an entire week of summer. But, I did not mind at all knowing that this may be the answer to my prayer in "shaking" Shannon's faith.

 

Shannon at UM Army with his youth team

standing on the wheelchair ramp they built together...

 

Shannon and Mike

his instant new Brother in Christ BFF!

 

This was his hardworking group he was blessed with at the UM Army.

He bragged on them nonstop after his return from the trip...

This was the answer! After he came home, he was able to now talk with me about spiritual things, the Bible, Heaven, and life through the eyes of Jesus. I was so excited! We started to go deeper into our Bible studies, he was stepping up with prayer more, and had confidence in his own faith. We talked a lot about our individual thoughts on Heaven and what we were expecting it to be. He said he imagined it like a shore that we come to where we meet all of our loved ones and family. While my version of Heaven was full of art supplies, stained glass window, trees with exotic fruit, bike trails neverending.... his was just simple. His was family. We talked about how we woudl die if we got to choose. Neither of us wanted to be old or go to nursing homes. He wanted to just fall and go home like his dad and grandfather. He wanted it short and sweet, no pain, no fear. He even told me he always felt like he would leave young. He reminded me about a week before that he wanted "Spirit in the Sky" played at his feuneral as they rolled him out! He was ready in his heart for home.

 

That day he left was planned out by God. I found him laying under a tree, peaceful and still. He was not struggling to stay with us... he was gone already. His heart is what failed him because it was not built for this earth, it was built for Heaven. In the moment I paniced (or course), I SCREAMED... but the girls never heard me from inside the house. They did not see him. God protected them and took care of them. But as the help came and minutes that seemed so long passed, an unexplainable peace came over me. God was telling me that it was ok to let go. He was home and in His hands. I didn't have to beg or make deals with God to keep him here with me... the more time passes, the more I realize that Shannon's death was  beautifully orchestrated by God's hands. 

I did feel in my stress, abondoned by Shannon. I selfishly thought that he left me with so much to do... and it was things that I had no idea how to do. As I came back home with an overwhelming feeling of stress... I started making a new "to do" list. I grabbed a yellow pad of paper and mapped out all the things I needed to do in this new life we are forced to live in . I filled page after page after page, until I discovered some notes I had written in the back just 2 seasons before. It was the notes about my vision of Me, Maisy, and Madelynn in the trees alone! After reading over the notes I had read that night to Shannon, I realized I had misinterpreted them! God was not showing me that SHannon must lead us... but that Shannon was leaving us. He was preparing my heart for the future! This vision was of what our family would become... I would be the one to take full responsibilty for leading my girls through the dark paths of our future with nothing but His Word in my heart. Just days after I realized the meaning of the vision, a Christing collegue and firend gave me a verse that she had found and felt that the Lord needed me to have it to confirm something He had showed me. SHe knew NOTHING about my vision. The verse she gave me was,

 

Isaiah 32:16

"And I will lead the blind in a way that they do not know, in paths that they have not known I will guide them. I will turn the darkness before them into lihgt and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do. I will not forsake them".

As I read these words of truth in private... I cried tears of pure joy.

I suddenly felt that altough SHannon had left, we had to fully rely on our faith to get us through uncertainty. I had been wondeing weeks before about our road before us as a family.

http://thelostsocklife.blogspot.com/2013/08/where-is-my-yellow-brick-road.html

I knew that he would lay it out, just like the Yellow Brick Road for Dorthy in The Wizard of Oz.

But here it says, that He will make our road smooth and light our way as we walk.

The road is uncertain, laid brick by brick, and we do not know the way, but He does. He will be our leader, our light, our compass in times of confusion. All I have to do as a mom, is trust His promise!

 

Now I see that Shannon left us to do something more important. He is getting things ready for us in a life that we will have after this life is over. He did not abandon us at all, he is preparing for our forever future that we can only see with eyes of faith! He is waiting for us there at the end of this Yellow Brick Road...

and I will be wearing my ruby red slippers.

Mercy Me... and Debby

At the concert... 

Love you Deb

  Ok Debby, you did it! 

So you are officially forgiven for all the mean things you did to me as a kid... sike. Love you!

My sister, Debby, nominated me for the Mercy Me, Beautiful contest. She called the station telling them about me, her little sister, and my painful circumstances. 

http://ksbj.upickem.net/engine/Details.aspx?p=V&c=99997&s=40827355

It turns out she won us the tickets to go see Mercy Me and get a personal photo shoot with them! I am so excited to go and hear them live and am expecting to just feel the Lord so incredibly when I go. I am looking so forward to this... Listen to my sister sweetly speak of me here.

https://soundcloud.com/joeyandcoppelia/debby-wins-mercyme-photo-shoot

Their song, Hurt and the Healer, really helped me through a hard time in my life. I posted this to my other art teacher blog in 2012 to share the healing. I had avoided art that was connected to my emotion for a whole year because the pain was deep, but this song birthed a very important picture for my healing process before I became a widow. See here...

Read the post below on link...

http://tabithaannthelostsock.blogspot.com/2012/04/healing-through-hurt.html

Now, after hearing the song through a widows heart, it is an entirely different experience. I am more open with my art now. I know that He can take my pain inside and use it in a beautiful way to share with others, in the process of helping them and ministering to them.

I am so grateful for the way the Lord works out our tragedy and pain. I know He has plans for me and my girls, The opportunity to go see Mercy Me and meet them is a sure manifestation of the Lord showing me his love by putting people in my life that think I am "beautiful".

Love You Debby,

Your Little Sister

Ta-Ta Pooper