Up in the Air...

Grieving is such an emotional roller coaster. It's been over a year since Shannon, my husband of 10 years, left for Eternal Paradise. There is peace in knowing that it was all part of God's plan. I know Shannon is up there with our Father preparing a place for us to go after here... But the part that grieves me the most is mostly self pity in whats left here on Earth for us to sort through. Just because the biggest bump in the ride is behind us doesn't mean we won't be thrown for loops ahead. They seem to come from nowhere... 

Ok... So just when I am starting to feel "happy" again, I am struck with panic and fear! New love is here with words of comforting promise... But I can't seem to shake a fear of moving forward in life. Right now my life is so "up in the air" and I am deeply desiring a place to land and re-root. It's hard to relax at times when you know your life is in a sort of transport stAte and there's nothing beneath but air just whisping through your dangling roots. Even scarier is knowing there's young life in the basket with you that is depending on you to comfort them in the time you are feeling craziest of all. 

The sad part is thAt through this life I've grown a little tougher & realer... And in the process grown to fear happiness. It seems that at that sudden moment in life when your heart takes a snap shot of all you hold and grasps the true meaning of happiness in life... Well, it all kind of crumbles away. Happiness is fleeting and temporary. It's a glimpse you soak in and remember in contrast to the crumbles. I was happy and know I will be again. But I realize too, that when happiness is only a worldly & temporary emotion... Joy is an everlasting spirit deep reality that is soaked so far into the root of me... That no matter where my life floats to, this Joy can never be removed from my spirit. Planted or plummeting... It follows me everywhere. My life is not defined by my circumstances that come and go, but is defined only by what my spirit roots eternally contain. 

Poem below & styrofoam breakfast plate art wAs created in a meeting that I lost control of my emotions in. Roller coaster emotions can not be planned out. You may cry in the middle of the check out line of a grocery store and have to abandon a cart of frozen food to get it all together in a private stall of a public bathroom! Who knows... But the point is that if we are "afraid" to cry loud in a crowd... Then we are cowards. It is those thAt cry in the midst of pride that find an unexplainable strength and power in just letting go.

So, after my panic attack... Roller coaster loop... Freak out session... Pity party...Or whatever  you want to label it, I had no choice but to grab the empty white things around me and fill them up with my mark, my art, my voice, my spirit, my faith, my feelings... I just let it all out. 

Take it from me... A young widow, single mom, starting life over lady; 

Don't be afraid grieving souls to Just take a cry... Take a breathe! When living day by day is too much , live breath by breath. When you can't breathe... When you feel like your drowning, Ask Him that rotates the Earth to breath for you & on you. Let Him give your spirit CPR, take you where you need to go. Let go of life and let Him carry you with His invisible love. For it is the things that we cannot see here on this EArth that will remAin in eternity. Joy, peace, love. Have faith in things that are beyond sight. Test your trust... In the breath of the One who gave you your first breath. 

Passion for Hot Air Balloons spills over into my classroom life.... 

see art lessons plans on this top here. 

http://tabithaannthelostsock.blogspot.com/2014/11/hot-air-balloon-unit.html

Sliding and Swaying Faith...

I never wanted to be here in this place I am in

dealing with spinning emotions under my skin.

I am pulled from here to there

my duty calls me to motherly care.

I don't have the strength to answer thier cries

when i am laying here weak with tears in my own eyes.

They look at me with such needy faces

I am pulling my strength to fullfill them from the deepest places.

It takes all I have and I am left with only a crumb of my own

I am needing a meal in peace alone.

I am a mother bird with one single worm

feeding these mouths that continually squirm

is taking the breath out of me till I am worn thin and weak

with no strength to hunt for more to feed my own beak.

These days are so long and I hope to wake up

to a new day as fresh as the coffee in my cup.

Where I will realize all this was my dream

as I happily stir in my sweet cream...

But it hasn't happened yet and I know it never will.

My pain is lonliness and there is no healing pill.

I just keep praying for strength and for His way

but I am too tired now to continually pray.

I need to see something of this faith I hold tight,

but it is hard to see anything in this continual night.

I look all around and hope to feel His hand

or just something that will help me understand.

Why did he put me in this predicament,

I need an answer, a breath, just a hint...

It's just too much for me to keep inside

my faith is feeling on the slide...

God show me your love cause I need it right away

I am a boat lost at sea that is starting to  sway.

Throw me a rope, let a whale swallow me...

whatever it is... I just want to see.

 

 

 

by Tabitha Seaton

a young widow